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One year ago my beautiful, amazing mom left us. My plan was to avoid aknowledging this day, the dreaded one year anniversary, and I asked those around me not to remind me of it, but I guess I didn’t tell everyone, because I have now been made aware multiple times by different people.
To many (most?) grieving people, the anniversary of a loved one’s death is an important day of rememberance. To me, this is a day I want to forget at every price. It’s an anniversary of the day a horrible illness took my sweet mother’s life, and it just reminds me of the days leading up to her death and the state of mind we were all in. The days preceeding and following her passing I remember as anxious, numbing, painful, depressing, confusing, and the weeks and months to come would be the most frustrating chapter of my life. Grieving my mom all while accepting that my father had quickly gotten engaged to a new woman is what I assosciate this anniversary with. So please, I ask you all to please not remind me of this day when it comes from now on.
I would much rather remember her on her birthday, or Christmas or Thanksgiving – these are all days that bring happy, warm memories back and I know that is how she would want me to remember her!
Of course, I think about her almost daily, so it’s not like I need to make a special effort to remember her anyway, but it’s nice to set aside some time to remember a loved one together with those who miss her; it adds a certain touch to it.
I understand and respect that we all grieve differently and I know some of my family members will be remembering her tomorrow, but I ask that they respect that I do not want to be involved.
Looking back at my new years resolutions for 2013, I think I’ve done pretty good despite having gone through the toughest year of my life, which I didn’t factor in when I wrote them. I’m still not where I want to be health wise but I’ve taken a lot of steps to get there. By health I mean that I unfortunately suffer from anxiety, (I’m very healthy in all other aspects), which unfortunately doesn’t just stay in the mind; it prevents me from sleeping properly, which in turn makes me too tired to excersize, which means I don’t destress. It’s a bad spiral that never seems to end, but I’m putting a stop to it now in 2014. My main new years resolution is to start excersizing daily, no matter how tired I feel. It’s no fun but it’s gotta be done. No pills in the world can fix that, I just have to have some serious discipline and put my health first on a daily basis. And when I put my mind to something, I do it. I’m sooooo tired of being tired and not having the energy to do the things I love most – like music. I’ve got an exciting new band and sound that I’m super excited to get going with. Time to shake things up baby!!
Another new years resolution that I had was to go to the hair dresser and do something different for a change. Had the same hairstyle for the past couple years so it was time for a new do. And I actually followed through with this yesterday!
It’s just a temporary haircut, I’ll always prefer the long-hair look, but fun to try something new none the less! I’m in the midst of going through a complete makeover right now in every aspect, so this is just the icing on the cake. 2013 was also the year I got rid of my skin problems by switching to Dermalogica – and this has inspired me to put more effort into my appearance since I now have a “clean canvas” to work with. Swicthing skin care brands has prompted me to start researching skin care in general, and I found that I have kind of a passion for it haha, so much so that I will be blogging about my learnings soon cause there is so much out there that people don’t think about when they shop for skin care products that I really want to share! It helps too that I’m friends with some estheticians so I’m constantly learning new things from them.
So I feel like a teenager again, taking selfies and looking at makeup tutorials on Youtube and hanging out at Sephora haha.. but hey, soon I’ll be old and wrinkly, so gotta savor this time, right?
Also really excited to watch the deep house collective Sono Unica grow their brand this year – they’ve got three successful events behind them and so much more to come, and I’m so happy to be able to help out in any way that I can. For more info about what Sono Unica parties are all about, check out any of these articles (in Swedish) and then watch the after movie:
To the new year!
It’s that time of year again and I’m going through my Spotify playlist to see what songs I added this year that have gotten the most love from me over the year. I have to admit I’m not as inspired musically this year as I have been in the past, I think it’s cause I’ve made a half-assed attempt at finding new music due to all the other stresses of life this year. 2014 will definitely be filled with more inspiration! Here is the list of my 13 most played tracks of 2013!
* I have to have discovered the song in 2013, regardless of what year it was released
* It has to be a good enough track that I still listen to it
13. Gorilli – Alla Gillar Brudar [Swedish hip hop]
This track is five years old… how am I just now discovering it?! Nobody I know has heard it either, though, so I had to put it on this list. Swedish rap is the sexiest music out there, always had a soft spot for it. =D
I just went to my last session for this 5-day treatment and I’m now a believer!
The euphoric feeling I got a couple of days ago I got today again about a half hour after the session was over, confirming that it wasn’t the postdrome of the migraine that caused the sensation like I thought but rather a direct result of the acupuncture. I feel the way I imagine you feel on morphine – light, floaty, happy, calm, balanced, harmonious… It’s so cool that a few super thin needles put in the right spots on your body can cause this sensation, I had no idea!
Has it cured my sleeping problems? I don’t know yet. I slept ok last night and very good the night before, but had a lot of anxiety during the days (for absolutely no reason, as far as I know I wasn’t thinking anxious thoughts), which is something I’ve had off and on for the past couple of years now. I guess time will tell if acupuncture really has “opened up” the flow of energy in my body as Chinese Medicine calls it, or if this is nothing more than an endorphine rush that will help me sleep good tonight and then I’ll go back to normal… time will tell.
I had another “holy shit”-moment last night though that I’m equally excited about – I put a couple of drops of lavender extract (the real kind, not the synthetic kind) on a piece of cloth and inhaled it for a minute straight, and immediately I felt the anxiety leave my body, easing me into restful sleep. It was crazy, I had no idea lavender extract could be so powerful. I wish I had known about this natural remedy before I started trying over the counter meds and had to experience withdrawal symptoms and all of that hell… I hate taking pills and stuff with synthetic ingredients, so it’s very comforting to know that all of that can be avoided even in the most desperate of conditions.
My conclusion from this week? Never underestimate mother nature. She knows her shit.
Just discovered this track… a great Paul McCartney remake that I heard in a Todd Terje set on Radio 1.
Love that the lyrics “What’s the use of worrying” perfectly fit this week’s theme of learning how to relax
So last night I went to my second acupuncture treatment. And it seems I may have had a bit of a break through.
I had this headache develop throughout the day and it reached its peak right after the session was over. I think it was a migraine because I was super sensitive to light the whole day and I could barely keep my eyes open as I made my way home, and I also felt nauseated. They say you get migraines when you relax after having been stressed, which was very much the case last night. The head pain was so intense that I found myself doing the strangest things to relieve the pain; pulling at my hair, massaging my face, hands and neck, wearing sunglasses on the subway ride home, stepping barefoot on rocks… It was so aweful and I must have looked like such a freak.
As the headache began to subside, I felt an amazing rush of endorphins take over my body. I went on a walk and it literally felt like I was floating… I’ve never felt so relaxed and harmonious and naturally happy in my life before! It was the craziest natural high I have ever experienced. It lasted all evening and today I still feel very calm and harmonious. At first I was convinced that it was related to the migraine; that it was the body’s way of reacting to the shock of the pain. But I tried finding information on Google about it and found nothing. However, I did find a whole lot of articles talking about patients experiencing a ‘natural high’ after acupuncture treatments so I’m inclined to believe that’s what happened to me too. If this is the case then this is very exciting because it would be a sign that my body is responding to treatment, even if I’ve slept poorly twice in a row now, but that I attribute entirely to the humidity and temperature in my bedroom due to the current weather conditions.
This exciting new development has me longing for my third session tonight… I hope I get to experience that high again!
I remember it as if it was yesterday. I called my boyfriend in the bathroom at my new (previous) job crying, “I can’t work here anymore! I have to quit, I just have to!” He convinced me to work the day out and that we’d talk about it when I came home. At this point I felt I had tried everything; sleeping pills, natural remedies, excersize, even acupuncture – but I was still sleeping 3-4 hours a night, even on the weekends. My memory had gotten bad and I had trouble concentrating at work. My evenings were spent doing relaxing things as supposed to doing fun and productive things, and my soul was suffering.
Fast forward to today. I have a new job since a year back that I love. It’s fun and challenging but I don’t feel overwhelmed and I still have a lot of energy and time left to do music in the evenings. I’m sleeping 7 hrs a night most nights, however I never wake up feeling well rested. It’s as if I never really fall into deep sleep, and it doesn’t take much to wake me up. I still have trouble concentrating and my memory isn’t the best.
So I’m giving accupuncture another shot. Because I want to fix the core of the problem – not just the symptoms. I need to get my body in balance, which is what acupuncture is all about. I’m going back to Dr Nie mainly because nobody in Stockholm has as good of a reputation as her but also because she’s open in the evenings. It’s a 5-10 day process so my whole week will be tied down to this, so I really hope it will be worth it. I deserve it!
So as you can probably tell, this blog hasn’t exactly been priority #1 in a long while. But I want people to know I’m doing a lot better now after the spring from hell and am finally in a place where I can start focusing on music again. Been thinking of song ideas snd starting to plan studio time for the fall with my new band so when that starts happening I will start blogging actively again. Meanwhile if you miss me you can follow me on instagram, @mizzmeloded or on Twitter @elodiemusic . Here are some pix of my summer so far!
This is supposed to be strictly a music blog, but due to my mom’s recent passing I have not had the energy to deal with my music career just yet. It will have to wait a little while longer. In the meanwhile I see a theraputic purpose in keeping the blog alive with my personal thoughts and feelings throughout this difficult process, so here we go. Continue reading